If You Believe Neruda Trilogy pt 3
by salingergurl
Summary: This is part 3 of my Neruda Trilogy, a set of LoVe stories based on the poetry of Pablo Neruda. Each can stand alone, but make more sense when read in order. This is the epilogue. Written after season 2. Remember: comments are good karma!


If You Believe in that Kind of Thing

_Love, a question  
has destroyed you. _

She'd broken him and she knew it. Still, she had to go back, try to pick up the pieces and put them together in a way that made sense—even if it only made sense to them.

She'd asked and he'd answered: he still loved her. But she let two years go by, she let herself be unhappy, until she realized that she is Veronica Mars and she needed to just get the hell over her fear and just… just let herself be happy. _If _Logan would have her, that is.

I have come back to you  
from thorny uncertainty.

She knocked on his door because, what the hell? They'd always been about confrontations. A million times she'd gone over what she'd say, yet when he opened the door, all she could manage was, "Hi Logan." She'd planned to apologize, to ask him to take her back, to say _something_ that might have value or might somehow save them. She couldn't get it out. The man who stood in front of her, her Logan, was changed in some fundamental way. Life had caught up with him; he'd become a man. She wondered how much a part she'd played in his metamorphosis.

"Veronica…" He said it wonderingly, almost as if he was convincing himself it was her, standing in his doorway. "Veronica… what are you doing here?"

"Hi Logan. I needed to see you."

"Um… come in."

Yeah… it was a lot more awkward than she had anticipated.

I want you straight as  
the sword or the road.

Veronica really didn't know what she'd been expecting. Had she really thought she could just knock, and he'd open the door and kiss her and say something cheesy like, 'I knew you'd come back to me' and it would be wine and roses? Who was she kidding; that wasn't their way. She wanted him to be the same Logan she'd left three years ago, she wanted him to still love her the same way he always had, the way she'd never appreciated until now. But he'd changed and, if she was really going to be with him, she had to deal with that.

She started them on the path to redemption with the obvious. It's all she could think of.

"I got divorced, Logan. Teddy and I are kaput."

"Yeah. I read that. Too bad."

"I didn't love him. You know that."

"Do I? Because I'm pretty sure you _married_ him, Veronica. You left me and you married him and that was a pretty shitty thing to do to somebody. To two somebodies."

She tried to explain herself, to somehow make what she'd done seem okay, sound like something anyone could have done. But she knew it was futile. Finally, she just gave up and told him the truth as she knew it: she messed up, fear was not her excuse, just an explanation, she was sorry now, different now, and she missed him. Most truthful of all, she wanted him back in her life, it was all that mattered. "Life without you isn't life, Logan. It's just… existing."

As she finished her unrehearsed speech, maybe the first truly, truly honest and flawless thing she had ever said to him, she began to feel the love Logan had once called epic would carry on as it had always been, and perfectly, and for the last time.

Then she heard a baby cry.

_  
But you insist on keeping a nook  
of shadow that I do not want._

"Logan - was that a…"

"Nancy Drew skills are still top notch, I see. That was my daughter, Bailey, Veronica. I have a daughter."

"Wow." Of all the things she was expecting, she never expected this one. "Logan… you're a dad?"

"Having a daughter _would_ make me a dad. That's generally how it works."

"How old is she? What's her name?"

"Listen, let me go get her back to sleep, then it's my turn to talk."

He was gone only five minutes, but it was long enough for Veronica's walls to rise once again. She fought it, didn't want it to happen, but up they came. She felt it, felt the complete change, and she hated it, but she couldn't help herself. Someone she loved was hurting her again. The feeling was familiar, it had happened before, a baby she didn't know about….

By the time Logan came back, she was gone. Again.

The room still smelled like her.

My love, understand me, I love all of you,  
from eyes to feet, to toenails, inside,  
all the brightness, which you kept.

She'd done it again. Left him when things got too hard to handle. She promised she wouldn't, and she did.

She just needed a second to think. Logan was a father. The change she'd seen in him—it was because of his daughter. The Logan she left was no more: he was a new man, a father, and she didn't know if _this_ Logan could love her.

But, new man or not, she still loved him. She was sure he was merely a better version of the man she'd loved all her life….but with a daughter. The old Veronica might have seen it as a betrayal, yet she had changed too. She hadn't really expected him to pine away for her forever, and knew he would eventually attempt another relationship and, well… a baby. Wow. Things might be more complicated than she thought. However, she loved him and needed to give herself a chance to be happy with the man she was 'supposed' to be with, in some cosmic, divine way. If you believe in that kind of thing.

Yet, somehow, Veronica felt the baby's mom wasn't in the picture. Veronica used to be a P.I. after all, and her skills of observation hadn't left her. Logan's house still had only the few female touches she'd provided, nothing new. She hadn't seen much of anything lying around, he probably had a cleaning lady, which meant a woman probably didn't live there. That, or, he was with a high maintenance girl who didn't clean… and he'd gotten over that in high school. His movie collection had no new "girly" additions beyond the few Veronica had insisted on, and he didn't have many pictures around – and none of him with another woman.

It was somehow comforting: she may have changed his life for the worse by leaving him, but he hadn't replaced her. They were meant to be. She had to go back. 

It is I, my love,  
who knocks at your door.

Veronica called only 15 minutes later, managing to remember the number they'd shared, and a little surprised it was still the same. "Logan, I've changed, really I have. I just freaked out. I'm coming back."

"Veronica…"

"Logan, please. I'm coming back. I just… I'm sorry. Please let me back in." The question hung between them: they both knew what she was really asking.

"I can't keep letting you in, Veronica. I just… can't."

"Logan, please. This is the last time. As long as you don't have any other tiny people or, y'know, life altering secrets you're keeping in the house."

"There's no one in our house but me and my daughter."

She noticed his verbiage. He'd said "our" house. Hope. Still, she had to ask, "Are you still with the baby's…"

"No. Listen, come back, and I'll explain everything."

When she knocked on the door for the second time that night, he opened it. It was a step.

_It is not the ghost, it is not  
the one who once stopped at your window._

Turns out, Bailey Lynn Echolls was a little over a year old. She was a surprise. The pill is not 100 effective, which they knew, and beating the odds was always one of Logan's strengths. By the time Bailey was born, Liza and Logan were amicably over, agreeing to raise her together. Liza made up a reason to end things, and Logan accepted it, whether it was the truth or not. She moved back in with her ex, and married him eight months later. Logan and Bailey were both at the wedding. It was all so healthy it was almost disgusting.

"It's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had," Logan claimed, remembering.

"Then why did it end?"

He looked away from her. "Can't you figure it out, Veronica? She wasn't you, and she knew it…. And I wasn't him." Logan let his words sink in before continuing, "Listen. I wasn't expecting you to show up here tonight, or ever, and we've both talked our faces off. I think it's time we call it a night and continue this tomorrow. Bailey just learned to walk, and I've been chasing her around all day. I'm exhausted."

"You seem like a good dad. Your eyes light up when you talk about her."

"She's my girl, Veronica. I love her so much. I'll do anything I can to keep her safe."

"Funny, you used to say that about me."

"Yeah, until you left me." She could see the anger rising in him, and also see him struggling to keep it at bay. "You LEFT me, Veronica! My life is different now! You wrecked me, and this is what I built from the wreckage, and I would never give it up because Bailey is the best thing that's _ever_ happened to me. I've turned into a complete cliché, but it's the damn truth. And yes, I still love you, as much as I don't want to, and as much as I know I shouldn't. I do anyway. And it pisses me off. But if you can't handle my life as it is now, then you can't be in it."

"I understand."

He took a deep breath. "Now, let me give you the name of a good hotel, tell them you're a friend of mine, they'll hook you up."

"Still the same old Logan, working that charm."

"Old habits die hard," he smirked. Her heart ached from how much she'd missed that look on his face. How much she'd missed looking at his face.

He wrote down the name of the place, called the hotel and made arrangements, made sure she knew how to get there, and walked her out. "See you around, Veronica Mars," he said as he shut her car door.

_I knock down the door:  
I enter your life:_

She knocked on his door earlier this time, less than 12 hours after she'd left. "I came back."

"I can see that. Come on in. Liza's on her way out."

Veronica walked into the living room to see a beautiful brunette playing with a beautiful baby. Logan walked in and immediately fell in beside Liza, as if he'd been doing it for years, and started playing with and talking to their daughter. It was like one of those pictures of people that are in the frames when you buy them—the people who are always laughing, and for whom life is grand.

Logan noticed her standing there, watching the scene, and paused to introduce her. "Liza, Bailey, this is Veronica."

"Veronica. Nice to meet you. Finally. Sorry I can't stay to chat but I'm heading to…."

Veronica's head began to spin and Liza's words faded out. It was almost too much, meeting the mother of Logan's baby. Her first instinct was to flee, to promise to come back later, when she was gone, but she remembered what Logan had said. This was his life now, the lovely, dark-haired woman, and her daughter, Bailey, and she had to either accept it or leave it behind. She had to stay, because Logan was worth it. Finally, she realized - loving him was worth everything.

She came back, Liza was saying something about being back in a week, and Veronica just stood there, transfixed by this world of Logan's that she had known nothing about. Before she sat down, Liza made her way out, leaving Veronica still standing there, contemplating it all, Logan standing before her.

"So, that's my baby momma." There was laughter in his voice.

"She's pretty, Logan." It was almost an accusation.

"Ahhh. Let's see if I remember correctly… that means you're jealous. It's cute, actually. You don't have to be. Liza and I… we just stayed together because we didn't want to be alone. We were both just waiting for someone to wise up and come back. By the time hers did, Bailey was on her way."

"You didn't love her? She didn't love you?"

"Not really. We loved each other as friends and companions; we made nice memories together. But I never loved her like I loved you. I never loved anyone the way I love you."

"I know, Logan. Me too."

_  
I come to live in your soul:  
you cannot cope with me._

They spent the day catching up, avoiding the reason they needed to. Logan's restaurant was extremely successful; now he only cooked on weekends and the rare special occasion, which was great because he could spend time with Bailey. Dick ran the place when Logan wasn't there, and, as it turned out, Dick was an amazing partner and business man. He was indeed his father's son.

Logan still surfed, early in the morning, when his housekeeper came to watch the baby and clean. He read a lot now, cookbooks, biographies, and the books Veronica had left behind, mostly Neruda, García-Marquez, and Dickens. Sometimes, if Bailey was fussy and wouldn't sleep, he'd read her Neruda. She usually calmed down.

Veronica smiled. "She's got good taste. Just a baby and already smarter than you."

"Yeah," he smiled. "It really doesn't take much."

She laughed then, just a little titter. Logan remembered how much he loved that, her smile, her laugh. Veronica's moments of true happiness. He came undone in those moments. Veronica lost all of her world-weariness and just… _was_. It was easy to love her when she was laughing. It was the same when Bailey laughed—a pure, true sound without borders or self-consciousness. His girls' laughter. It was all he needed. "It's good to hear you laugh again, Veronica. I missed that."

She wasn't ready to go there, not yet. "Hey, remember that day? Right after we first moved in? I was cleaning the bathroom listening to…"

"The Police. _Every Little Thing She Does is Magic_. Yeah, I remember. I caught you singing into the toilet bowl brush."

"Ha ha. Yeah! I was so embarrassed but I LOVE that song!"

"Clearly! Geez, we laughed for five minutes straight after that." He looked directly into her eyes, remembering that perfect moment, his perfect Veronica. She saw his eyes change just a little bit as he shook away the memory in favor of the here and now. "Listen Veronica. I've gotta make a couple business calls. Would you mind sitting with Bailey for a bit? I shouldn't be more than 20 minutes. I'll take her if you want, I know babies aren't really your thing, but she seems to like you."

"Yeah, Logan. Go make your calls. I'll play with her until you're done."

"Thanks. I'll be in my office. It's still in the same room it was when you lived…"

"Got it. Now get outta here. Bailey and I need some girl talk."

Logan left and Veronica knew; it was go time. Either deal with Bailey and her rightful place in Logan's life, or realize being a step-mom to a beautiful woman's daughter wasn't something she could handle. "So. Bailey. What's all the rage for the under two crowd this year?" She stooped down and picked up a felt book, watched Bailey play with its pillowed pages. When that wore off, it was the giant plastic keys. When they lost their magic, it was onto assisted laps around the coffee table, Bailey still preferring the one-finger method of holding on. "Wow, Bail, daddy sure is workin' hard, huh?" Eventually, the novelty of walking wore off too, and Bailey just wanted to be cranky. Figuring she was probably tired, Veronica picked her up and sat on the couch.

"Are you tired, little girl? I bet you are. All this stuff going on today. Mommy going away with your step-daddy, and me showing up. You don't even know about me do you, Bail?" Veronica's voice seemed to calm the baby, and she was starting to relax and settle down. "Well… Your daddy and I. We go back a long time. I've known him since he was twelve. Can you believe that? I've known him longer than anyone. I can barely remember when he wasn't in my life. Your daddy and I, well, we went through some stuff. A lot of stuff, actually." Bailey was drifting off, but Veronica was on a roll. "See, Bailey, first your daddy and I were friends. And then we weren't. And then everything changed and got complicated and we became…. Well, I loved your daddy, and he loved me, too. But it wasn't enough. You'll find that out when you get bigger. There's lots of stuff waiting for you and just between you and me, most of it sucks. But not love. Not real love. That only sucks when you're scared." Bailey's eyes closed. "I used to be scared. I was scared of losing your daddy because I love him so much. I don't think I've ever said that out loud before. I love your daddy, Bailey. I really do. So I hope you like me, little girl. Because your daddy won't have me otherwise and… I don't want to lose him again."

"Me too. I don't want you to lose me again."

Veronica was startled. "Logan! How much did you hear? I was just, I was talking her to sleep and I got carried… Oh God."

"I walked in somewhere around _we went through some stuff,_ but I was enjoying the view so much I couldn't interrupt."

"Logan I never meant… I just… Well, I meant everything I said."

"I know." There were things unspoken in the air, and, this time, Logan wasn't ready. He was needed a break from Veronica, just to figure out where he stood. If she was back for good, could he manage to open up enough to love her like before? He just needed what she's always taken: time. "Veronica, your return has been…well, something I never thought would happen. I mean, you're you."

"I've changed Logan. We've both changed."

"Yes but… I've got Bailey to worry about now, Veronica. And I just… I need time to think about all… this. About you."

Wanting to fight with him, she nearly choked out her words, "I understand. I'll be at the hotel, room 704."

"Okay."

She walked out of the house again, on Logan's terms.

_You must open door to door, you must obey me,  
you must open your eyes so that I may search in them,_

The reprieve lasted only an hour. That's how long it took Veronica to get worked up about it. They hadn't had a single fight since she showed up at his doorstep, and it was time, finally, time to resume the dance they always did to the music they knew so well. So she went back and pounded on the door. He opened it almost like he knew she'd be there again.

"Y'know what Logan? It took me my whole life to realize that I love you. I LOVE YOU! Okay? I said it, finally, to your face and no, you can't have some time. I'm me and you're you and this is how we are. We're in each other's faces and we love each other and we've both changed, but we're Logan and Veronica and we're epic and, dammit, I want to be with you. And I'm sorry. Please take me back. Please."

_You must see how I walk with heavy steps  
along all the roads that, blind, were waiting for me._

"God, I still love you. Oh God, Veronica," he sighed into her as they kissed for the first time since… well, since… and it was all hot bodies against a cold fridge.

"Logan, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." And she couldn't help it, she was crying and straining and kissing and wanting him all at once. There was so much still to say, she didn't know where to begin. Bailey was asleep and they could do anything. She knew what she wanted, and they were kissing against the fridge, and she was crying because of all the things she'd done and the things she hadn't done.

Logan pulled away. "Veronica, hey, don't do that. I'm not worth crying over. We're gonna be okay. I love you back, okay? I never stopped."

"Do you forgive me? Please say you forgive me, Logan."

"Veronica, I forgive you." He pulled her in close, remembering how she fit there, in his arms, against his chest, and it felt good to have her there again. "If you hadn't left me, I'd never have been with Liza and I wouldn't have Bailey in my life, and she's the best thing, Veronica. She is. You two are my girls… You both changed my life. You taught me the beauty of heartbreak and true love, and she showed me how to love someone unconditionally, without pain. If I can have you both… I never once thought I could be that happy."

"Logan. Fatherhood has made you introspective."

"And leaving me made you realize how much you love me." He leaned down and touched his forehead to hers, smiling.

"Yep. So, that's it then? Here we are. What's next?" Bailey started babbling over the baby monitor. "Uncanny timing, that one. Just like her daddy."

"Well, _I'm_ gonna get Bailey, and _you_ should go to the hotel and get your stuff. Come back to our house and stay. Forever."

"I love you, Logan." The words were still new to her, saying them still a novelty. She liked they way they felt on her tongue, the way they sounded in the air between them.

"I love you too. Always have."

_  
Do not fear, I am yours,  
but I am not the passenger or the beggar,  
I am your master, the one you were waiting for,_

"Logan, can I ask you something?" Veronica asked. It was a while after she moved back in, and she had stopped counting time in increments, because they were back together. The time away wasn't time apart anymore.

"Anything. The more seemingly random the better. It'll be like old times."

"Logan… will you marry me?"

"What?"

"Was I unclear? Here, let me help you out with a visual." She got down on one knee and grabbed his hand, "Logan Echolls, will you marry me?"

"It's funny, when I pictured this moment "I've Had the Time of my Life" was always playing… and our positions were reversed."

"Stop talking and answer me."

"Yes, Veronica. I'll marry you. On one condition."

"No, Logan, I will NOT clean the house in that French maid outfit again. That was a one time only deal!"

He smirked. "That's what you say, but I've got my ways, Veronica Mars." He pulled her up from her knees and hugged her to him. "Will you wear the ring I bought you all those years ago? Will you marry me too?"

"Yes. Finally, finally, yes."

_  
And now I enter your life, no more to leave it,  
love, love, love, but to stay._

There were days. Days when Bailey got on her nerves, and Logan was just _there_ all the time, and when she couldn't seem to sell a picture to save her life. Days when she needed to take a drive. But she always came back. She came back because they were Logan and Veronica. Because they were meant to be, if you believe in that kind of thing. Because she loved Logan and Bailey more than anything. And also because she is Veronica Mars, and she isn't afraid to let herself be happy anymore.


End file.
